Saturday, March 20, 2010

"I'm a starving artist so how can I be in the 50 percent tax bracket?"

I got a residual check for my work as an actress and it is the absolute smallest check a person could get: 1 cent! My gross pay was 2 cents; my net pay was 1 cent. My tax withholding was 1 cent which puts me in the 50 percent tax bracket. So, I guess you could say, my net is gross.

Am I the only one who sees something wrong with this picture?

I do understand, that if a company, according to my Union Contract, has to pay me the 2 cents it owes me that they 'have' to pay me; but that's just stupid too.

Some things in life just don't add up.


I used to think “Two and a Half Men” was a TV sitcom but it turns out it's actually a reality show and the star is not 'acting;' rather he's just being 'real.' Yes, Charlie Sheen has gone to rehab and he's hired a 'sober coach' to shadow him and prevent him from falling off the wagon.

At least if Charlie Sheen is in the 50 percent tax bracket that part makes sense. But now that we have 'reality shows' that are fake and TV shows that are real I'm not sure I'll be able to make sense of TV ever again. Give me some good old “Bewitched” where we knew it was all just made up for our entertainment. Ya know, real TV where real actors were REALLY acting, where gay men played nice middle class husbands with female wives.


Antiquated laws that have not been repealed like: In Fairbanks, Alaska, it's illegal to give a moose alcohol and it's also illegal for moose to have sex on city streets… So if the police caught some moose in the act would they really write them a ticket? That would be another waste of taxpayer's money, like the one cent withholding on my 2 cents residual check.

Or, I could look on the bright side and say, “Golly gee, I must be on the road to great prosperity because I am in a much higher tax bracket now.”

Of course, this is just MY two cents. Which, unfortunately, I’ve shared with Uncle Sam.

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Thursday, March 11, 2010

"Does positive thinking work? Where's my cheerleading outfit and I'll tell you."

I discovered "The Power Of Positive Thinking" in high school and I felt like I discovered the answer to my bad feelings about myself. Before that discovery I was unaware that I had negative thoughts and that those thoughts were what made me feel like a loser. This concept gave me hope that I could do something to change myself, so I went to work to change my thinking.

The first thing I created with my new 'power' was becoming a cheerleader. Then, at our first football game I asked, "What's a first in ten?" Crap! Who knew cheerleaders were supposed to know how the game was played? Oh well, I didn't actually care about how the game was played; I still don't want to know. This makes me worry about people who use positive thinking to become things like doctors. What if they don't care about how my body works; they just wanted to become a doctor?

Looking back now, I realize I was just a kid who felt like I didn't fit in and I thought becoming a cheerleader would transform my social awkwardness and give me the confidence and self-esteem I was lacking.

It didn't.

But it did give me hope; hope that I was actually capable of doing things in life. So I started doing things, things like sex and drugs and rock and roll. Then, when my self-esteem hit an all time high, I got drunk and threw up in the head cheerleader's mom's car.

They say there is a price for success but my tendency to live in denial made me ignore that chapter because another thing being a cheerleader gave me was creepy vibes. Creepy vibes from creepy old dads with crusty penises. I'd be cheering, “Give me a G-O-T-E-A-M” and they were hearing, “Give me a P-E-N-I-S... what's that spell???” For me it spelled: “I will ignore creepy vibes.” Besides, you can't confront someone for giving you vibes. I mean if they don't actually say or do something inappropriate what the heck can you do without looking like a lunatic? Oh the price of success! Or in my case, the sweet smell of success was starting to smell like crusty penises.

So, does positive thinking work? Yes. But my problem with it was it created more problems than not knowing I had negative thoughts. It gave me the 'power' to keep pursuing accomplishments I believed would somehow magically change my real problems. It was a tiring, depressing, vicious circle. I became a hamster on the positive thinking wheel. Eventually, I just got too tired to continue running and pretending to be a hamster, endlessly chasing the hope that I could change myself from the outside.

Yeah, I still don't feel like I fit in and I still have self-esteem issues but simply admitting this is so much better than trying to be a hamster.

Or maybe, what we really need is something truly revolutionary like: "Positive Thinking For Hamsters: Get Off The Wheel And Get A Life You Stupid Rat."

Can someone PLEASE give me an E-S-T-E-E-M… what's that spell?

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